REAL.

Words of REAL LOVE FOR REAL LIFE from Kelly:

Charli has been home now for almost 48 hours. I must be honest. Yesterday was very very rough. I have learned and am continuing to learn that sometimes the way I envision what will happen in my life is a little too dreamy. Our first full day together is no exception to that. In my mind I pictured smiles all around, a perfect newborn, laughter, picture taking, sweet feeding times, giggles, good food, and a ton of awe and wonder. A day to be still as a family and enjoy. That is not what yesterday looked like. It chaos, tears, anger, frustration, sadness, fear, and doubt. Yes, I know I have issues. I am learning everyday just how much I need help. We had 3 different therapists in our home for home health. I was attempting to teach school to my sweet girls who were far too interested in our new addition to focus. Trying to keep Elliott occupied while trying to feed a baby that won't eat and keeps puking on me and pump every few hours. Not to mention the meds.....oh the meds. Stressed out was trumped the first few minutes of the day as I immediately noticed that I AM NOT GOOD AT THIS...I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING UNDER CONTROL...I AM LOST...AND I NEED THE LORD TO HELP ME. Seriously, I saw more of my sinful heart than I have ever seen or ever wish to see again. I know I am tired and this has been a rough road but the honest truth is that I have a heart that is out of control and I constantly need the Lord to guide me. 33 years of life on this planet most of them spent having the Holy Spirit's guidance and still trying to buck the system. How do I still have so much to learn. How is my heart still this screwed up. Really???? That's about all I can say. That and I need Thee every second. So, just in case you too were thinking we had this dreamy home coming where everything just fell into it's place. Please receive the truth and remember to pray. We are still a mess and we need the Lord more today than yesterday and overall, I am know it sounds crazy, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I want to need HIM more than I want control.

We have had many precious moments as a family. The kids are more than in love with Charli. Elliott's new goal in life is to kiss her to death. The girls can't get enough and are constantly washing up so they can hold her. We are all learning about Charli. She seems super content when we aren't battling feeds. We did figure out one problem with her feeds and now things are going better. Praise God! I am aware that we are having to learn how to do life a new way and just when we get settled things will change. How I hate change. It makes me afraid.

Charli is beautiful and I am starting to see how she looks like the rest of the bunch. She loves her brother and sisters. She loves dressing up and loves making sounds with her bottom, a trick she learned from her family.

The adjustment will be slow. I am thankful for all the help. It is much needed. Maybe now more than ever.

Our entire family continues to process what it means to have Charli home. The biggest struggle is not having her brothers here too. We have done much weeping over this issue and it is NOT forgotten. I hope to have more on this in a future blog. Today I have to take it one step at a time.

Just wanted to check in with all of you so you might know what is going on over here. Not quite the Disney World experience but it is mine nonetheless. I am crazy. I am scared. I am in love. I am needy. I am me and I am learning to be ok with that.

Enjoy the family pics.

The one with my brother and the scary stuffed animal is extra special. My brother was a preemie and this was his very special stuffed animal. My brother and I both have memories of this strange critter and he brought it as a sweet gift to Charli. No doubt, they will have a special bond.