"Missing my fellas.
We still grieve the loss of our boys. Life has been so crazy and rushed that processing is slow and will continue to take place for the rest of our lives. As I looked back at pictures this morning my heart aches. Most times the only words I can utter for them is "I'm sorry!" That is all I know to say. How do you say goodbye to your children? How do you help your children grieve the loss of their siblings? I don't know. But, much like the rest of my life I am fumbling through. It is hard. I feel the ache as I remember. My heart breaks as I see pictures and think about someday sharing this story with Charli. I mourn as I think about continuing my days not being able to parent my boys wishing that Elliott would be able to play with them. How did I get here? I know the pain will never go away. It may change. It may lessen. But the pain and loss are permanent.
We talk about our boys a lot in our home. I pray that this never changes. Eloise is always quick to share with the world that I have had triplets. She tells very matter-of-factly that two of them died. This is not always easy for me but I have to let her process in her own way. A few weeks ago she told me that she was going to ask Santa for her brothers for Christmas. I smiled as I tried not to cry my eyes out while driving. She is always thinking. My kids continue to think, remember and grieve. They miss their brothers. I am sad for this and yet I am thankful. I too wish it were that easy. Wouldn't it be great if I could just ask Santa and he would give us our boys back? Life is not simple and I am not going to have the gift of raising my sons.
I do have joy. I am thankful that I can have peace knowing that my boys are not suffering like I am. I can rest knowing they don't struggle. I have hope that one day I will join them. One of the many lessons I have learned during this season is that it is not easy being an alien and most days I hate it. I too am ready for my real home where striving will cease and there is no sickness or pain. A place where my broken heart will be mended and I too will be made whole. I so need Jesus. I need His love and care. I desire to be near to Him.
I have enclosed some pictures of my sweet boys. They are hard for me to look at and so I am guessing they will be hard for you as well. I think they are important as we all continue to process this story. They don't just have a name. They have a face and an important place in my heart. To know me is to know them and to not just see me but to see them too. I love them. They are precious. I hope these pictures also bring joy as we remember their wholeness and healing.
The black and white one is of Lincoln. He was stillborn. The other is a picture of Baby Tuck at his baptism just before he went to be with the Lord. I cherish the time I had with both my boys...in my womb and on earth.
The paintings were done by the girls. Emmiline did the one with the heart in the middle. She shared that it was of the two boys with Jesus and that the cross in the middle represented Jesus in our hearts. Eloise's picture showed the boys with Charli. The boys have gone to be with Jesus but Charli is here with us. I am thankful that the girls remember. I am thankful that they speak of their brothers often. I am thankful for the way they think and process. I know the Lord is using them to bring healing to all of us.
They will not be forgotten.
It has always been my biggest prayer that no matter what happened the Lord would use this story to bring people to Himself. I still pray this. I am hoping that even as you read this you might pray the same thing....maybe for others....maybe for yourself. Of this I am certain, life is so much harder than I would have ever dreamed. Life without Jesus is even harder. Without Christ there is no hope, no peace, no joy, no future, no love, no reason to live.
I am a bruised reed. I am thankful that the Lord has promised in His word that a bruised reed will not be broken. I am clinging to those words as I claw my way through each day.
My heart is spilling out of my eyes in abundance as I write these words. Listening to my children giggle as sweet Lori Cochran teaches them about planets. So ready for the Lord to return. So ready for so many things.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. Not sure what God wants to do with us but just praying He will do something.
Much love,
Kelly"
